I've been house-ridden for five days now. If you don't want to be thoroughly disgusted, I advise you to skip this post. You have been warned.

So as it turns out, I have a pretty bad case of hemorrhoids. It's funny how when you're afflicted with these interestingly named medical conditions that the names make perfect sense. A few years ago I had Vertigo for a week and as I tried to walk across the room to answer the door at my dorm-like apartment and busted my ass three times, it literally hit me. Your ability to stand vertically goes out the damn window. Hemorrhoids is mainly a hemorrhage in your anus that irritates the hell out of your butt cheeks (oids?).

Now I've had a burning in my ass before after taking a hard dump, but this is on a whole other level. My dumb ass (err mouth) ate beef THREE times last week after not eating it since my trip to Chicago in October (which probably not so coincidentally made me sick even then). Apparently the bricks that fell out of my butt as a result tore my anus up something serious. It was lacerated in three areas and tripled in size. Since the hemorrhoid is basically the result of blood clotting from the tears it becomes very tender and the tears themselves are stretched even further producing all sorts of pain. The fact that your butt cheeks start rubbing up against them pushes the pain into prodigious territory.

I went to the emergency room on Thursday night - just in case the lump was actually my prostate trying to escape through my rectum and making a wrong turn somewhere - and the doctor was like "damn that's a big one, what the hell have you been doing boy?" He indicated that mine was definitely on the higher end of the size spectrum. He then proceeded to leave me sitting in pain with my ass exposed and freezing for another half hour while I heard him outside flirting with the various nurses. Eventually I got a prescription for suppositories and pain killers.

Now this suppository thing is rough for me. The thought of anything going in my ass evokes nothing except pure fear. So I guess I guess I'm anal-entryphobic which, by inheritance, makes me suppositoryphobic and prostateexamphobic.

Relax Doc? My ass (no pun intended).

Anyhow, the problem with suppositories is that they don't want to stay in there. So in addition to overcoming my apprehension to things going in my ass, I have to actually struggle to keep the thing there. Fortunately the results have made it worth the struggle. Also, I was given a tip to put it in as I go to sleep and early in the morning and that made things infinitely more bearable.

I was on the way to recovery until Sunday night when I took a (softened) dump and ripped open another part of my anus. After calling my insurance company's medical advice line and being called a retard by the RN - no joke - I was instructed to just hang in there and apply ice to nullify the swelling. Every thing seemed okay until yesterday when - while taking another dump - I reopened the largest rupture and let loose a freaking ocean of puss.

After treating it and going to bed I feel much better today and have even managed to take a dump without ripping myself open again, but as you've got to know, this is a really shitty (again, no pun intended) way to begin my 2.5 week vacation.